It's been a little while since I've written on this thing, and I find that it's nice to jot down a few things every now and then to collect and settle my thoughts, especially when I find it difficult to sleep. Not sure how many of these things were after-midnight posts, but I'm sure the number is up there. So hopefully this will be less rambly than 1:15 AM entries usually are.
I'll start with something weighing on my mind recently.
My friend, a Moldova PCV I met in Ukraine, recently decided to make a stopover in Georgia on her way to Armenia to visit our friend Danny. While she was only here for a couple of days, it forced me to take in a strenuous hike (which I needed, if for no other reason than to kick my butt to getting back into shape, but that's another post) and appreciate the perspective of my life from a (semi) outsider's point of view. She provided a lot of insight for me through our conversations contrasting our two PC countries, and gave me a lot to think about in terms of our service and life choices.
As my friend is a fellow Texan and Longhorn, we both began this adventure around the same time period (i.e., we've both been living in our countries for almost 2 years now). I think when we started out, we may have wanted the same things: to be development workers, staking possible life careers living abroad doing international work that helps others, seeing new things and becoming one with our new environments to the point that the US, our original home, becomes what is foreign or exotic to us.
And when we spoke, I realized that we now wanted different things. Simply put, I saw myself at a crossroads of my (still young...right?) life. Because I'm not the person who came into this experience 22 months ago. I won't say that I'm better or worse, but I think I may be wiser in some ways.
I no longer see my future playing the role of an ex-pat, putting in lots of hard, sometimes impossible work while taking in the joys of a new culture. A fellow PCV once commented to me that in order to achieve even the basic goal of completing our service by staying the full term, we had to be masochists. When it comes down to it, we choose to put our jobs, our community, host family, and country friends above the comfort of the home that we left behind. We miss birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and get-togethers in the vain hope that we might make a difference to people whose lives we may never really understand, despite years of integration and friendship.
The truth is, I'm tired of being a masochist. The ex-pat life, even on its best days, revolves around a very small world, often very lonely and in constant flux. If it's not you yourself it's the people around you, in addition to location, language, jobs, friends, and lovers. Speaking honestly, I miss the country and aspects of the life that I left behind, with all of the great moments (and let's be honest--annoyances and trivialities) that sometimes go with it. In some ways I don't want to admit this, because to some ears, even my own, this may sound like failure. It was disappointing for me to grasp this realization--the realization that my goals, my career aspirations, have changed yet again when I was so sure this was the path for me.
I question myself: Didn't I want to live a life of adventure? Wasn't this supposed to be the experience that catapulted me into the Foreign Service or steady overseas work? Am I really just a sheltered girl after all, who craves the things I used to scoff at--pillars of stability and normalcy? Of course, the answers to these questions are complicated...
The best I can come up with is this: I still love and want adventure in my life, but for right now (or, more specifically, about 3 months from now) it is an adventure of a different kind. While this experience may have shown me that I may not be Foreign Service or long-term "ex pat" material in this moment, I don't think this is the end of living overseas for me. And maybe in some ways I am sheltered, and as usually happens when you find yourself in a culture foreign from your own, I learned a lot about why where I come from matters to me. Most importantly, the knowledge that I gained from this entire experience is something irreplaceable and valuable in a way that only I can truly understand.
Coming down to the last few months of service, I guess it's normal to become thoughtful or sentimental. And I guess the point is that, even as I lie here with more questions and doubts about my future than I had 2 years ago, I am so glad to be a Peace Corps Volunteer. Whatever my accomplishments were, it's too soon to see anything concrete or sustainable right now.
And so I will do my best not to leave here with a heavy heart full of regret for the things I didn't do, the hearts I didn't capture, the projects that didn't get done, and the grants that weren't awarded. I will leave knowing at the very least, that my path is long and winding, with lots of surprises in store. And the things I've learned from this experience will serve like lampposts when the road gets dark, as it no doubt will, on my journey to finding what I'm looking for.
So this was definitely a rambly 1 AM (now 2 AM) post...and those who began it may have left it unfinished (and I wouldn't blame you).
I hope to post more goings-on soon, and I promise to make it more "things going on" than "things that rattle around in my overwrought head at night."
Cheers, and sweet dreams!
Since no one else said it...
ReplyDeleteAwesome blog post.